Today was supposed to be a happy day. I was driving home with everything i owned to move back in with my family, and start our new life together in soon to be maryland. But, it wasnt. First, i hydroplane coming on to exit 57, and blow my tire…i swear i thought i was going to die. When i call my parents, my dad and mom both arrive very tense and upset. Dad the most tense and upset. Apparently i had caught them during another one of their arguments and this just sat dad more off the edge. so we ended up leaving my car on the shoulder of the exit ( with all of my stuff still in it)! Then we went to firestone to get it towed. My dad drives me home, drops me off, and says him and my mom need to go and just talk. All i could do was run in my room and cry.  Everything just seems to be falling apart latley. Honestly i feel so numb to it all. It hurts and i cry, but i just dont know anymore.  i really dont know how much more of this i can take.

This room no less than 5 hours ago was filled with my treasures, secrets, and fears. Now all thats left is my overnight bag, pillow, blanket, teddy bear, zebra, a few pictures yet to be packed, and my trustee computer. This time last year, I was anticipating my 18th birthday. I was so happy to be a senior and could not wait to step on Lee University as a freshman. Now here i am awaiting my 19th birthday, and leaving that amazing campus. I loved Lee, and I am not leaving here because it was a horrible school. I am leaving because I feel that God wants me somewhere else right now. He wants me to go back to a place that has haunted my dreams. It was in this place, that my whole life began. And two hours from this place, my whole life changed. I am so scared to go back, i really dont know what to expect, but i almost feel as though God has something to show me. So, i have to leave what is comfortable to be, and venture out on a new journey that God has set before me. I can literally feel the nightmares getting closer and closer. I taste, feel, and see those nights in my head. But all at the same time, i feel this tremendous peace. To help explain these feelings, i wrote a song:

She’s as hard as a stone, so lost and so alone, following  a road, that leads anywhere but home. She tries not to cry, but the tears well up in her eyes, lay it down and go, is what they said.

Now i see, a man at the end of the road, begging please come back home

How could this be? Why would you want me? Im as hard as a stone, walking down the wrong road. I never left you, i saw the tears you cried, fall into my arms and i will give you rest tonight.

Lay it down, Let it go, now i see where to go

Shes as hard as a stone, so lost and alone, following a road, that leads anywhere but home. 

So, today me and some of my friends decided to go to Chuckie Cheeses. I will be moving soon, and we could not think of a better way to spend our last few days together. So, at 3:30 we hopped into my car and made our way to chuckie cheese in chattanooga. After making a quick stop for gas we turned on our exit. Me and the girls being as excited as we were did not think to map quest chuckie cheeses before we left, but all thought that since we knew we had seen it, we would be able to find it no problem. Boy were we wrong! 

We took exit five to Hamilton Place mall, where we were sure chuckie would soon be awaiting us. But after we drove around for about 2o mins around the mall, we realized that Chuckie was no where to be found. I decided to call up my big sister Jenelle, who had been there just a few weeks ago. She informed me that chuckie was in fact not by hamilton place mall, but by the mall off hickson pike exit. The only problem was, she did not know the exit number. So we got off the phone and me and my friends continued to make our drive to find this so called hickson pike exit. As we started on down the highway, we noticed that the exit numbers were getting larger and larger. soon we noticed our exit back home. We had gone too far! So after cracking up, and yelling at chuckie for not being somewhere in cleveland, we turned around and headed back towards chattanooga. 

Kirstin, finally decides to pull out her trusty navigator on her phone. After waiting 30 mins for it to load, and me driving aimlessy around looking for our exit, the navigator finally informs us that we must take exit seven. As soon as we pull off exit seven we take a right at 317 west, believing that this is the way to go. But as we kept driving we started to notice no sign of civilization. So, i decided to call jenelle back to make sure we were going the right way, since kirstin had turned the navigator off and we did not have 30 more mins to spare. Jenelle informed me that instead of taking a right off the exit we should have taken a left. So we turned around and started going the other way. Jenelle told me i would cross a bridge and after crossing it to call her. So we made, once again, our journey towards chuckie cheese. As we neared what we hoped would be a bridge and big sign said bridge out! immediatly, kirstin starts freaking out. I call jenelle to inform her what the sign says and she told me to keep going. Kirstin starts going crazy. ” the bridge is out! you want us to go through a bridge that is not there? your crazy!” While i try drive in a straight line because i am laughing so hard, Jenelle then informs me again that exit seven was the wrong exit. so, once again we turn around and get back on the highway. Though, as i entered the highway i noticed a sign that said north instead of south. ” umm guys, i think i made another wrong turn..” Kirsten and courtney start laughing. We look at the clock and realize that we have been driving for almost two hours and still have not found chuckie cheeses and are on our way back home again. So, i pull off on exit 11 and once again turn around. Now, it is our 3rd time going to chuckie cheeses. This time we drive and drive until we end up in downtown chattanooga still seeing no sign that says hickson pike.

I call up Jenelle again who finally decides to map quest chuckie cheese for us. ( something we should have done in the first place). The exit number that she called out next, made me want to pull the car over and scream for a few mins. EXIT 7 ! yes, exit seven, the one we had just come off of 30 mins ago. Jenelle apologizes for tellin me to get off it and explains now how the directions should go. So we get off the exit again, turning right ( like we did the first time) and kept driving even though it did not make since. We drove for what seemed like forever. We were looking for 153 north. Just when i was about to give up , courtney screamed ” there it is 153 north!” so i pulled off and then missed my turn to the mall. Now by this time it is 6:oo. three hours since we left school! so i am highly frustrated, have to pee, and my stomach is cramping since i have not eaten anything since 9 this morning. Needless to say not making that turn made me want to give up even though i was so close. So once again i turned around. i knew that this time instead of making a right into the mall i had to make a left. but stupid crazy tierd me, was in the RIGHT lane! yes, so i had to do a u turn and then make my left turn. 

Finally, Courtney and Kirstin shout in excitement! CHuckie i see Chuckie!. Sure enough there was chuckie cheeses. I drove like a crazy manic through the parking lots and finally parked in front of our long awaited 3 hour destination chuckie cheeses. 

It may have taken us three hours to get there but it was totally worth it. I ate 4 pieces of pepperoni pizza, got 230 tickets. Got a teddy bear, and had the time of my life with my amazing friends. It is a moment i will never forget. And next time it wont take as long. But it was a great 3 hour adventure.:) 

p.s i have a video and as soon as i figure out to upload it i will!

Do you ever get forwarded emails in your mail box? I do. Sometimes they are entertaining,other times they are just dumb, but today as I stumbled upon yet again another forwarded message, I found that this one that actually spoke to my heart. A man and his wife today had a baby boy. He and his wife went to the doctor about a week ago, to discover that their baby was 8lbs! And the crazy thing is she still has like three more weeks to go. So, the doctor finally said that if they want to have a normal delivery, that they should induce her. So, as the husband and wife went home that night and discussed the early labor, they started to talk about how their situation compared to that of a christian. See, we all have this big baby inside of us. And it keeps getting bigger and bigger. God has told us that we dont need to wait out the full term with this baby, lets just induce right now and take it out. But, we sit there rubbing our stomach wondering if we are ready to let go of the baby inside of us. We have gotton used to these past nine months of feeling it kick, knowing its there, and now God ( our doctor) wants to take it out before its time. 

of course, if you have not figured out all ready, we do not really have babys in our stomach. But we do have a big baby in us. Its our desires, wants, needs, pleasures of this world. It just keeps getting bigger and bigger.It gives us back pain, makes us sick, tierd, and yet we want to hold on to it. I dont know about you, but i am pretty sure that if my baby was that big and ready to come out, it would come out. I wouldnt want to hold on to it any longer. Yet, here i sit here holding on to my baby and not ready to push it out. once its pushed out it will be a new creation. But i like knowing its there, inside me, being the something i created, not God. God is holding out his hand, saying come, lets induce. And i just stare at him like he is crazy. I know its time, but am i ready?

She walked through my bedroom door so happy to see her little girl. I literally jumped out of my bed into those loving arms i had missed so much. When he walked in the door i hardly reconigzed him. He has lost so much weight, but he lookes good. They both had smiles on their faces, which made me feel like everything was really going to be ok. I hugged both of their necks questioning them about all i had missed out on. When he stepped out of the room She grabbed me, hold me close and said ” i miss you, this has been so hard.” I immediatly pulled away, stared into her eyes and asked ” what do you Mean?”

Apparetly, these past 4 weeks of counseling sessions have done nothing, but make the problem worse. He is becoming clingy, doing things like washing the dishes, taking out the dogs, making dinner, things that a women should love to see her husband do. But in this case he is not doing them out of love, but because he is scared to lose her. He is doing them to make her happy. 25 years of sadness and pain can not all be fixed by these actions, and he doesn’t realize that. She sat with me all day thanksgiving day, as i curled my hair in the bathroom. Telling me how she felt. It was so hard to hold back the tears. Listening to my mother tell me all the hurt and pain she was going through. How they might not make it. Watching my father just down the hall sittin on the couch acting like he was watching tv and yet i could tell he was sad, that he himself was going through hurt and pain. Standing there listening to one parent and watching the other, i couldnt for the life of me understand how such two amazing people who i thought were in love, seem to be growing farther and farther away from eachother. As we sat down for our thanksgiving meal dad had us all grab hands to pray. Something we had never done before. He began to say a prayer for our family, and the meal that was prepared. And all i could do was stare at both of them and wonder why. All during the meal, i could feel the tension between them. Not only them but also my sister. She is 15 years old and living through all the fights and pain that goes on at home. ” lucky me” she says, ” i dont have to be there anymore to hear what goes on” But what she doesnt know is i was up those nights too when they would fight. I would cry. I hated to leave that house knowing what was going on. And now that i see how the pain has grown i want to be back there again, why i just dont know? But watching them at not only my dads parents house but at my moms parents house i knew that everything was not ok. they would both go to separate rooms. They didnt talk to eachother, and when they did it was dad who was trying to be all lovey duvy and mom just wasnt in the mood.

Coming home for the weekend has been the worse. I wake up Friday morining to yet another fight. He walked out and left. He was gone for about an hour. Then they were at it again. When it was finally over he came in the living room crying. Told us he was sorry and then went down to the christmas decorations. They havent talked anymore about it all day. I dont feel like i am living in my home anymore. Maybe this is why i cant love. Maybe this is why i so desperatly want to find him but am scared to. When i pull out of the driveway sunday, what he one of them pull out too. What if one of them leaves and i am not here to say goodbye. What then.

Where did that love go?

As i laid in bed and watched the sunset last night, tears streaming down my face, i poured my heart out to a man that i couldnt see, or hear. I told him all my secrets, though i knew he already knew everyone. I for the first time in my life literally held my heart in my hands and gave it over to him. It took me a couple of mins, as i stared at my hands and cried, knowing that once i lifted those hands into the air, i was letting him go. I was letting them all go. And in return HE would take their place. I was scared, i still am scared, of what is to come next.

 For me to love someone i cant’ see, and let him lead the steps of my life is a big scary step for me. No more of what Kira wants, but what he wants. Though, as i finally lifted those hands into the sky, i felt this amazing lift come off my shoulder. I mean seriously! My eyes flooded with tears, not tears of sadness, but tears of joy. At that moment i realized that i dont have to worry about anything anymore. He has my worries in his hands. He has my fears, regrets, pain, all of it in his hands.

So, as i lay down on my pillow tonight, i wont be kept up with thoughts of sadness, pain, regret, or lonliness, because tonight i wont be lonly. See God has given me this angel, and he lays with me as i go to sleep. He sings me lullabys of love, joy, and peace. He takes me to a faraway land where no one can hurt me. And one day, one day i will be singing with him. And oh, how i long for that day.

Hello my bloggy friends!

Sorry i have been yet again so distant from my blog. Exams, and life have kept me from my computer. i cannot wait for this semster to be over and a new one to begin. ya know thinking about that makes me think about life. in life we have semsters, some full of pain and regret, others full of happiness and blessings, and then there are those semsters that are just there. They have a combination of both pain and happiness. It is in those semesters when you wonder if your ever going to be stable in your way of thinking. It is in those semesters where you find out who you are, what you feel, think, and want. I know i am only a 18  year old college student just trying to get by in her classes and life, but honestly my dream this upcoming year is to find my prince charming. I am tierd of dating all these random guys that give me what i think i want for a season. I am tierd of the pain,hurt, and regret i put myself through in these relationships. i want my prince, to come galloping on a white horse, pick me up in his arms, and look beyond my scars and see me, love me. I dont’ have to get married right now, i just want my prince. I want to wake up every morning not having to worry about how i look ( for fear of meeting him in my pjs), i want to just walk outside knowing i have my prince and now i can focus on life, on my career, on me. I want my prince to walk through this journey with me, to lift me up, to keep me strong and focused. So, all i want for christmas is my prince and my fairy tale ending.  is that too much to ask for ?

Dear not so sweet November,

Why have you taken away someone dear to me?

And why would you threaten to split the most perfect couple in the world that has raised me since birth?

November, I am afraid to know what you have next for me. I am counting down the days till December will rescue me from your grip. I thought for sure you would bring me comfort and love, but instead you brought me sorrow and pain. November, why do you hurt me so? I counted on you to hold me up and yet you let me fall.

I feel like a leaf, changing color and leaving the place it called home,to be trampled on, spit on, sat on, rained on, cried on, even ran on. I am a leaf that can find no place of comfort, for the place i called home has turned upside down. The love that poured out of that house is now lost in the wind. Your carrying it away November. Bring it back! I am waiting.

Kira