It was your typical day at the beach. Me and Jayson were walking along the shore, talking, laughing, him trying to throw me in lol. Finally, we decided to take a break ( cuz i am a lazy bum ) and watch the waves crash against the shore. Jayson decides to ruin a romantic moment by saying ” i have to use the bathroom”, i laugh and say ok. He comes back 5 mins later sits beside me and says, ” you will never believe what i found in the car? ” of course, i am completly clueless and trying to figure this out when he opens his hand and holds out a ring. What makes this even better is the sun was setting over the ocean so the moment was perfect. He asked me to marry him, and with tears streaming down my cheeks and i said Yes! It was the most magical moment. Now, i can go to the beach and i swear i know the exact spot he proposed. No normal day at the beach will be normal for me from now on. I AM GETTING MARRIED!

Have you ever had one of those nights where you were so tierd, and yet for the life of you could not fall asleep? Well…i am experiencing just that. My body is so worn out, and yet my mind is racing and my brain has turned off the sleep mode switch.

I am laying in my comfortable bed, listening to the rain and yet my eyes just won’t seem to shut. You would think that laying in a comfortable queen size bed all to yourself, whilst listening to the rain, in a comfortable climate in your room worn out from the big day you just had, would surely make your body wind down and say ” hey! Kira its time to go to sleep.” But no, still wide awake.  I think i am….well i know i am missing something next to me, but hey not having something next to me in bed at night has never stopped me from falling asleep before! Maybe its the fact that in the past month i have gotton used to seeing him every night, and laying next to him while watching a movie, and unintentionally falling asleep in his arms because i felt so safe and warm. Maybe its because last week we both fell asleep on the couch together and my family ( as crazy as they are) took pictures, just to show us how cute we are together. Or maybe its the fact that i know that at the end of six months if everything goes as planned, he will be beside me holding me while i sleep.

For now, my 10 pillows, and Big Pink Bunny will have to be a good substitute until He fills their spot. So once again, i will close my eyes and cuddle closely to my furry friend. Maybe, just maybe tonight i can float off to dreamland.

Have you ever argued with God in your mind? Asked him why certain things in your life happened, why things in your life are happening now? I have noticed myself doing that alot lately. Maybe its because i am on bed rest right now, or maybe its because my family is going through what i would like to call Hell, or maybe its just because i have been watching shows, or seeing friends go through things that i have gone through. Whatever the reason my be, thats what i have been doing, argueing with God. What am i argueing about FORGIVENESS. How do i forgive those that have hurt  me. Those that have done me wrong, and not only me but my family. How do i forgive a man that is my own flesh and blood. ? How do i forgive a women that is my own flesh and blood.? How does anyone forgive someone who has wronged them? Better yet, how did God forgive me? In our minds those that do us wrong we want God to punish, kill, hurt, make them go through that pain that we are experienceing now.

God says: ” Let them go, forgive them, so i can redeem them.”

I say: ” forgive them, how can i just forget what they did to me. the pain they put me through, the nightmares that i experience everynight?”

God says: ” Kira, forgiveing doesnt mean you have to forget, you have the choice to remember, but you need to let them go. take your hands off their throats…let them go.”

there i lay in bed, speechless looking up at a man i cant see, tears streaming down my cheek. He is right, i am still clutching to their throats not wanting to let go. It was at that moment i felt God reach down and hold me close saying: ” release it before it eats you alive. Before it prevents you from loving fully and openly. “

” but GOd i dont love them, i cant love them. If i let them go, if i forgive them it makes it seem like its ok what they did to me, and its not. its not ok.”

” Kira forgiveness does not mean that they are excused from what they did to you, but its a burden that will now be lifted off of you. Let me deal with their heart.”

” God show me how.”

Tears began to well in my eyes as he told me just to let it all out. I closed my eyes and the tears just poured out. All the memories of all that i had been through flashed before me, every hurt, every pain, every wrong thing. I let it all out until there was nothing left.

Ok so God has sent me him, my prince, my love everlasting! I knew it from the moment i saw him, and he knew it too. All this time i thought i knew what true Love was, ( i was so wrong!).  He has the heart of God, and lives it. He loves me, respects me, respects my family  and loves them. I almost feel like i am in a dream. We have now been together for a month going on 2! And i know this might sound crazy, but we are discussing marriage! Ya i know. We wont be getting married right away, but he has been talking to my dad, so the question could be popped anytime now! i am so excited, God is just so amazing and he is doing some amazing things in my life. Just look at this gorgeous day we are having! I thought i would never be able to love again, but i was so wrong its just beginning. I cant wait cuz in about nine months i will be walking down an aisle saying I DO!

Hey blog readers!

Kira here! So wow my last post was like forever ago. SOrry that i have left you all hanging. Alot has happened in these last 2 months. ( wow its been two months since we have talked…so much to fill you up on!) Ok so first, my family. They are doing so much better. AKA: they were both dancing the other night in the living room, i have a video i will be happy to post later.  Oh and that little prayer for someone to come and help me that i asked God for in my last post, well he sent me HER! and she is amazing. I swear she is my twin separated at birth. Her name, Jessica Nichole Carmine. Her nickname: Fish Bait…lol. I will explain that later.

Crisfield MD: is now where i reside. I go to WOr wic community college and am pursuing my degree in my new major: Special Education. Yes thats right! i have just really felt the need to pursue this career and i know that it will be stressful and hard, but i cant wait to start. I really have found myself missing Lee and my friends their. Esp. HIM. But, slowly and surley God is helping me get through that. I am still Single..and hating it trying to love it. Of course its hard. Oh! so i was kinda seeing this guy, who by the way gave me two roses on v-day and a cheesy card that said he couldnt find a flower as pretty as me, i mean honestly i should have known by that, that it was not going to last long. See this guy was in it for one thing. And it soon went down hill fast. So after many tears, and long convos with JEssica i finally decided to let him go. Though i do catch myself driving by his house , his friends house, his workplace, our spot, just to hope that i would catch him and he would say he was sorry and pick me up in his big strong arms. BUt no such luck. Its hard living in a small town now, where everyone knows everyone and you cant escape people you want to escape. Though, i have to admit its nice to just drive around go to the dock, and watch the sunset, even if it is by myself.  I know God is beside me, but sometimes it would be nice to have a man there. Holding me, and staring into by eyes while watching the sun set on another glorious day.  I know though that God has that man out there for me, and someway somehow he will grant me the patience to wait.  Me and Jesus need to have some us time, i just have to learn not to envy those around me. Like my friend Kari who is getting married in may! I am in her wedding ( oh and AB if you are reading this, her wedding colors are your favorite : brown and pink.  I will send you pics. My dress is so pretty! ) But as I see how happy her and Michael are, i cant help but feel jealous and envious of what i would have had. Like the other night i laid in bed and cried and screamed and literally kicked because i was so hurt and upset. I asked GOd where he was…why i was all alone, why couldnt i just have someone to love and care for me. That all i wanted was someone to lay beside at night, to give me comfort, to love me, and respect me, to share my hopes and dreams. I soon fell asleep and woke up in the morning, ( something i normally dont do…i toss and turn all night long), and after thinking about it while getting ready i realized God gave me exactly what i asked for while screaming at him. He gave me comfort, peace, and love while i slept that night. Its then i realized God never leaves me or forsakes me and he does indeed give us the desires of our heart.

So its a new year!

Yet as i sit in my room ( for the next 5 days) filled with my bed, two dressers, and two suitcases ( that i live out of), I can’t help but wish that this year could have come at a later time.

Things at home seem to get worse and worse, than randomly it seems to be ok. Its like i wake up every morning taking a breath, listening intently to see if they are up, and hoping that the day will go well. Honestly, is that any way to start off your day!

And if that was not worse, i start off the new year alone. Yes Alone! I hate being alone. Especially this past christmas.

See this past christmas, i should have had a ring on my finger, planning my future wedding. I would have been kissing my love under the stars. Seeing him open a gift that he would have loved. Spending time with my future family, and kissing him when the ball dropped on new years.

But because apparently God has other plans, that all didnt happen.

I hate being alone. Like really hate it. I want no i crave intimacy. I crave love and worth.

Yet God has decided that is not what he wants from me. God wants me to himself and yet i dont know if i just want him. That is so bad to say and i dont mean it in a bad way but i want physical intimacy not spiritual.

Wow reading those words makes me cringe

I am five days away from moving with my family far far away from the man i love. From my friends, from my comfort zone. I dont want to say goodbye, but i feel i have no choice.

God,

Kira here. ya know it would be nice if you could just send me a friend, a guy, someone to help through this…

Talking to my mom is not something I have done since the age of 12. After my 13th birthday, and my first big mistake as a teenager I shut my mom out of my life. Tonight now 6 six years later, my mother grabbed me with tears streaming down her cheek and told me exactly why i do the things i do. She hit it right on the nose! i Stood there shocked, the only person to ever know why i do what i do was my counselor, and even she didnt figure it out until i told her things about my life. Here my mother was able to tell me why i do what i do without knowing anything, but at the same time knowing everything. For a few breif moments i felt like that little girl with pigtails and her barney pjs sitting on the bed while mom had to tell me about the birds and the bees because some kids had talked about things in school that just blew my mind. And now here i was lettting her read into my deepest secrets that i kept locked with a key. FOr years i have held back from talking to my mother, and magically i got a chance too. It was weird at first and was a little uncomfortable but when her tears fell, and her arms held me tight, and realized the true love that a mother really has for her child. And its a love that i dont want to let go of. NO matter what happens, i now know which road i will take….

Two hearts fading, like a flower.
And all this waiting, for the power.
For some answer, to this fire.
Sinking slowly. The water’s higher.
Desire

With no secrets. No obsession.
This time I’m speeding with no direction.
Without a reason. What is this fire?
Burning slowly. My one and only.
Desire

You know me. You know my way in.
You just can’t show me, but God I’m praying,
That you’ll find me, and that you’ll see me,
That you run and never tire.
Desire
     -ryan adams

So for those of you keeping up with my blog, things are looking better. Yes there are still some bad days, but they are not as bad as before. I honestly believe that everything is going to be ok. I think this move will be good for my whole family and i hope it brings us all closer together. Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement.

Waking up to a rainy day doesnt help when your eyes are puffy from the night before. When you walk into the kitchen to see your father making you breakfast, something he never did, and your mother downstairs walking on the treadmill. At first you are happy with the peace, but at the same time you remember those saturday mornings when you would wake up to your parents being in bed together cuddled up watching tv. Mom shortly after hearing you get up make the whole house pancakes, and the family all sitting on the couch eating and laughing about who knows what. Yes, there were the occassional arguements, but nothing like they are now. I as i write this post i hear the fight behind that closed door, you know what its over, our family christmas pictures! How can something so little, set someone off.  I just wish those days of love and happiness would come back to this house. Even if it was fake. At least then i would not lay in bed everynight and wake up with puffy eyes. At least then and maybe then i could let myself love ” papa”, but right now i dont really want to talk to him. If he loves me and us then why, why is all this happening? ….