As I logged off a conversation that had ended in this way once before, I did not realize that this would be the very last time he would speak to me again. We had said things before and not meant them, but this time he meant them, he meant to say Goodbye. I know I was mad and said things that were true but hurtful, but he needed to hear them. He needed to know what I was feeling inside. That I loved him, and sometimes wonder if i still do, but that our relationship was taking a turn for the worse.

I can remember sitting in that car, tears streaming down my face, as we made the decision to be apart. Just a week before that I was trying on my-soon-to-be engagement ring. I was so excited! I loved this man and was so ready to call him my husband and partner for life. And before i knew it i was hugging his neck and driving away for the last time. Had we just made the biggest mistake by letting eachother go? Those questions flooded my mind as i drove away. I wanted to turn around and say let’s work this out, let’s start over. But how many times had we tried to work it out, how many times had we tried to start over, to only come back to where we had started. It was really over. No turning back. I know that first month I made some big mistakes and hurt him in ways i never thought i would, but i never meant to. And i told him that , i told him i was sorry, that i wanted this friendship to work, that i was not ready to let him go. To say goodbye.

Now, i sit here, wondering how i could have changed the past events of the last three months. Where would We be now had i not made those mistakes. Would we still be talking? Would we still be friends? Would we be together again? These are questions that i might as well put in a case and lock, because they will never be opened. Never be solved. He said those two words i dreaded to hear. He said goodbye.

But i will never say Goodbye.